So.. I just had this serious break up recently – not that we did not have a break up before but this one is for real and it hurts soooo bad.
He said “It’s not you.. It’s me.” and said immediately after finishing the famous break up statement that he’s not just saying it, that it’s really him and it’s not me. So I cried and tried to say things that I thought would make him change his mind. But no luck! it did not work.
It felt like my whole world fell apart into pieces. We’ve been together for almost 3 years. I guess I just depended my happiness on him, too much. Imagine someone who you get to see every time, some one who picks you up and drops you off, go to movies, go shopping, go to places, talk about future and all the stuff that couples do – will just leave you in a blink of an eye. The day we broke up – we were okay, at least I think we were, then we had this misunderstanding and that upsets him and it upsets me that he’s upset. So I walked away, like I always do not realizing that this time, would be the last. What could have happened if I stayed and talk and told him what I wanted to say.. what if I just stayed and hugged him..
I know that we do always fight, and I thought about leaving him.. but I did not, because I love him or maybe I’m just too scared. I don’t know.. but the point is I did not give up!! And that made me think, am I too ugly? has he found someone new? was I too strict? jealous? immature? that maybe he doesn’t love me at all. although he said he does – he did. and he was happy and for me not to take things seriously and to not put the blame on myself.. that he just needed to fix himself and he cannot worry about himself and me at the same time. 😦 that there’s no one else. And that he could say more but time can only tell the reason why.
It’s a good thing that he wanted to change and fix himself.. but I thought, Do I not deserve the change that he got planned? I mean, I have sacrificed things and put up with all his crap. I stick around even most people told me that I should not because I know he could change and I was hoping he would – only he wanted to change but the change includes, him cutting me out of his life because I have the power to upset him because of the feelings we have for each other. *sings I got the power!*
so after a while.. I thought I should act okay and strong. I tried to, he tried to be friendly as possible but it’s just hard to be nice to someone who hurt you so much. But I kept trying maybe I should be nice to him too.. talk to him casually like nothing happened, maybe that would help to lighten that heavy feeling.
So we we’re okay. I was still hoping that he would come back to me. I was starting to feel that we will be together again. Because he would still offer to drop me home and he’s still worried about me – at least I think he is. Then after a week or two, I found out he’s already seeing someone. HE’S SEEING SOMEONE! He has broken the 3-month rule!! (must be a rebound thing. lol)
It’s funny the way I found that one out. One thing about women is they already know even before the proof comes out. We could be a good detective you know. I would not go in details how I found out – it’s an epic one but. I told him it’s okay with me and he just gave me this look and said he knows me and he knows it’s not okay with me. That night I did not cry, which is strange. I just did not sleep.
I got so upset with him. It seemed to me that he tried to fool me. He wanted to be okay with me and see someone else at the same time – yeah, I know there’s nothing wrong with that – no, there is! If I did not find out that he’s seeing someone, I would still expect that we will be together again. I had enough of hoping and expecting and being disappointed in the end.
He then told me that I got it wrong, that they’re not dating. They’re just hanging out and they’re just friends. Okay? WHATEVER mate!
I saw pictures of them.. been to places we planned to go, food he used to cook for me that he cooked for her. Deserts he used to give me but now he’s buying for her. the front seat in his car that used to be mine and now hers. It’s like stabbing yourself with a very sharp knife. I don’t know why I kept looking at those pictures. I was not able to eat properly. I was not able to get enough sleep. I thought about them too much. I was not able to catch up with my studies. I cried on the bus, on the train and every places where I have this idle moment and all I could think of is them and him and all the great times we’ve shared together and all the times he screwed me over and I did not care what people would think.
He left me and I needed him. I miss him. I miss “us”. But it would be so unfair to still hate him when all he just wanted is to be free and to fix himself. I cannot do much about it. I thought he’s selfish because he only thinks about himself, but It was me whose selfish not to let go. When someone is determined to do something nothing could get in their way even if I try to take my clothes off and do a very sexy dance. lol
If ever he really doesn’t like me anymore, it’s none of my business. I should not worry about it and should not try hard to have him back. I deserve someone better and he does too. Someone who could give us the kind of love we really need.
people leave someone for different reasons.. maybe he still loves me – just as like as I still love him, and one form of loving is when you just want the best for someone, whether it includes you or not. 🙂 (duh! excuses..lol trying to make one’s self feel better)
It is really really hard coping up from break up, but as they said – cry if you need to, everything will be better after a while. And guess what? It did. I started doing dance lessons and playing Badminton. I got my mood back into reading books. Singing and dancing like a crazy woman when I’m home alone. I still feel pain but it’s not as much as the first few days, weeks, months.. it got better. I stopped stalking them on Facebook – I still do but not as bad as I used to. My phone bill got so high just because of them. DAMN IT! I’m trying to distract myself as much as possible. 🙂
I think I’m okay now. 🙂 I hope. Thanks to all my friends who listened and cheered me up and pushed me to move on.
You know, you just have to love yourself first before you love others and to respect and not to put yourself down. Pick yourself up and deal when crap happens. Mistakes only make us stronger, everything happens for a reason. The only regrets you have in life are the risks that you didn’t take. Above all else, go with your instincts and don’t forget to guard your heart. 🙂 And do not EVER beg for someone to love you back. Its pathetic. ( but at least I tried.. to have a second chance. hahaha.)
Being single is not bad at all. You’re free. but sometimes you would miss those times. that’s just part of it I guess. it’s sad but ..ehhhhh just gotta get on with your life.
I did not think these things happens in real life. I only saw these in movies and read them in books. It’s good that it happened in a way.. I know now what to do next time and I would make sure not to give my all. (pffffffftt.. :p) now I’m scared, but not too scared to try again. Just scared enough to take care of myself first and make sure things would not end up so bad.
I don’t want to say that I would never fall in love again, because I don’t wanna take it back because I know I would – I just don’t know when. I still believe that one day the right one will pop up and everything would be perfect. And I will be happy. And if that one doesn’t exist, I swear I would join the ARMY. 🙂 For the mean time, I will just enjoy life and meet new people and fix the things that I have to fix.
I think I have said too much. Have a great life everyone! 😉
I AM STRONG
I’ve gone through hell and kept walking. I know my weaknesses.
I AM WORTHY
It took me a long time to believe that. I’ve felt my unworthiness.
I AM BEAUTIFUL
I know perfection isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. I’ve got scars and I rocked them.
I AM ME
I thought I was lost and alone, but now I realised that I was always with me.
A L W A Y S L O O K O N T H E B R I G H T S I D E and S T A Y P O S I T I V E. ^^v